Man, Stop Being So Clingy

12 Jul

Often in the world of dating and man vs. woman, the female sex is accused of being ‘clingy’ towards their other halves. Us crazy bitches, apparently get too emotionally involved, too quickly which naturally only results in us being hurt as we are shunned for being ‘too clingy’, ‘desperate’ or being a downright ‘fucking nutjob’.

Rarely, it would seem, that males get these similar labels of being too emotionally involved without enough rhyme or reason so I thought that I would put this to the test. Do guys get just as clingy as girls do?

I posed this question to a fair couple dozen of girls that I know who ranged from their late-teens to their mid-thirties and the results were a pretty resounding – yes.

There were a few common similarities in a lot of their stories which I would like to share with you now…
The first, is that often it would seem that whilst dating, some of these girls didn’t realise just how clingy their boyfriend was being. Examples that I was given included things such as: guys calling to check that they got home okay…6 times in 15minutes if they didn’t pick up; asking about all their new friends on Facebook/Twitter; getting suspicious if they were late home from work; and insisting to come with them on every night out by saying that this was in order to “meet your friends”. These sorts of antics were originally was passed off as being “protective” and henceforth – “cute” or “sweet”. It was only after the break-up usually that these girls realised that actually, no, their boyfriend had just been incredibly possessive, clingy and slightly psychopathic.

Another common theme seemed to be that guys would do things that, if girls were to do, would be deemed inappropriate and desperate, but with a guy doing them it seemed to be romantic. Again, it was usually after the break-ups that the girls would have the epiphanies that made them realise how possessive their exes had been. These things included things such as, boyfriends turning up at work with presents, or turning up late at night to their house/flat “just to see them”. In most cases it was felt that they may have just been doing this is order to check up on their girlfriends, a move that would be seen as incredibly stalkerish, and possibly dumpable material if done by the girl.

The other example is one that often occurred with girls who had been on a date with a guy, or even just met him in a club and had been pretty complacent, or non-responsive with texts and calls that he had been sending her. If a girl sends text after text to a guy with no reply, this is seen as very creepy behaviour, something for guys to chat about amongst one another. If a guy does it, it takes a little while longer for the creepy factor to set in. Often girls said that they would mask their inappropriate amount of texts but disguising them as messages checking that they are okay…I’m absolutely fine thank you, I just don’t want to hear from you so STAP IT!!! Turns out that guys can also snap and start sending needy or abusive texts if they don’t get a response, this is certainly not a habit possessed only by the fairer sex.

All in all my point is this – guys are creeps too. Everyone has emotions, no matter how well they try to hide them. Even a guy can crack under this pressure if he actually really likes a girl. I have had one guy text me every week or two for the past few months with no reply. It’s instances such as this, along with the stories that I hear from other girls that make me come to the firm belief that it may even be the case that guys are clingier than girls.

We Are All Shallow

14 Jun

We are all taught from a young age that “judging a book by it’s cover” is wrong. That in doing so, we aren’t giving people a fair chance and so forth. As I’ve told you before, I am a member of an internet dating site in order to get material for this blog, and nine times out of ten it follows through and gives me something useable. Once again, its has not failed to deliver.

Without sounding high and mighty, I receive a fair amount of mail on it, not all of which I reply to. Yes, I guess I am judging some books by their cover. But so what? I’ve occasionally had guys mail me again, who I didn’t reply to in the first instance, accusing me of being “shallow” because I didn’t respond to them. On this same logic, are they not just as shallow as me? If they are writing in their messages that they reckon I am “hot, or “gorgeous”, or “beautiful”, are they not just as bad as me if they are messaging me because of my looks rather than on my actual personality?

Then there’s those that you do actually message. I don’t really see the point in this part of social interactions. I can assure you now that most people sound almost the same in these messages:
“I am on here just to see what happens. Maybe meet someone and take it from there. I do X job. I want to do more travelling, I am jealous of the travelling you have done. I want to do new things. You up to much this weekend?”
Snooze. 90% of the messages that I have had contain words to this general effect.

What’s the point in all of it? We all judge people quickly. It’s a fact of human life. A few seconds and we have made our mind up about someone. I reckon that within 1 minute of a date I could tell you if I wanted to sleep with the guy, give me another 4 minutes and I will tell  you if I want to see him ever again.

What I’m getting at is this – chatting to people you have never met, online is a pointless exercise. First-off, you would be lying if you said you would chat to someone online for a prolonged length of time who you had never met, who you thought wasn’t hot. Secondly, unless you are using Skype, everyone sounds almost the same in short e-mail form. You can sit there in the comfort of your living room and declare that you are “always up for new things” and how you want to do things that are “a bit different”, but when it comes down to it, you still want your first date to be drinks or dinner. That’s different…

For people who use online dating, for the sake of saving time I would suggest this – mass date. Collect together all the people that you think are attractive and invite them on short dates one after the other, to filter through the ones that you could actually see yourself going on a full length date with. Dating is a numbers game and doing this would certainly help hurry things along.

The fact is, everyone is shallow when it comes to dating. Don’t try to deny this. You are. Whether it be online or in person, what is the first thing that makes you talk to someone? Is it the fact that they kinda look like the type of person you would want to date or, did you look at them and think “they are below average, but I bet they are really interesting, smart and funny”. No. You didn’t. Everyone has that initial attraction that draws you into the conversation int he first place.

In the dog eat dog world of dating, no one can get on their pedestal and declare that they aren’t shallow, that they don’t judge someone on what they look like. We all do it. Fact is, we all have a “type” and if we see someone who matches this then we tend to go for it. There should be nothing wrong with that.

So to the people who send me angry messages if I haven’t replied to them, telling me that I am shallow for not talking to them I say this – fuck off. You sent me a message in the first place telling me you think I am attractive, that in itself is shallow so really – stop being a hypocrite, jog on and move on.

Whoever Said ‘No’ To Company?

18 May

Monogamy is a relatively new concept as far as human behaviour goes. Like herds of wild animals that have alpha males who impregnate many of their herd, humans used to pretty much be the same. Women were naturally attracted to those men who were physically fit, could hunt well and were…well, well hung. It was and still is to some extent, human nature or animal instinct for women to still be attracted to these traits and for men to feel the need the “spread their seed” as it were, as far and as wide as they possibly can.

So what made us change? Or have we changed at all? Even now, multiple marriages, or polygamy is a recognised, accepted and legal part of life in many countries in Africa, the Middle east and Southern Asia. In countries such as the UK and Australia, multiple marriages performed abroad are accepted once that couple(s) return home. But for the most part, having more than one marriage on the go at any one time is, in most Western countries considered not only to be illegal, but to be morally wrong and socially unacceptable.

Why should it be though? Divorce rates are increasing almost year on year and the often the reason for this is because of infidelity. Couples who aren’t necessarily married also break up a lot of the time for similar reasons and the internet is only making it easier to do. Should we just cave in and accept that monogamy is overrated and outdated? Is it unnatural?

The internet makes infidelity affordable, accessible and anonymous. People can use their laptop, home computers or mobiles to cheat on their partner. They don’t have to go out for hours on the pull, they can flirt for hours, days, weeks or months with someone, arrange to meet up, and be over with it in a mere few hours (hours is maybe being a bit optimistic for most of you…)

In a society where, largely speaking, people of different religions, races, sexualities are all accepted, I think that we should learn to embrace the fact that monogamy isn’t for everyone. If you are in the position of being able to have 2, 3 or more partners and everyone is happy with that, why would you chose to just have one?

Swinging parties are a lot more common than you would think, a quick search on Google and turns out that you can find out about a Swinger party near you pretty much instantly. I also took a look on a couple of dating sites, hit a few buttons, did a search for an “intimate encounter” and there it was – couples who were on the site looking for a third to join them. Or in one case, a girl looking for another girl to “look after” her boyfriend while she went away for work for a few months. She said she would “rather he was with just one girl she knew, than lots of them who she didn’t”. I have to admit that my first thought when I read this was, wow, you really don’t trust him much do you? But then when I thought about it more, if they are both okay with this, and they know that both of them are going to have the sorts of desires that could make them cheat, then why not just address it before it even occurs.

I know that multiple partners in the Western world is controversial and I am certainly not saying that it is for everyone but after reading into it more and looking at the facts that are out there I have to admit – I am torn. I don’t know if I would personally be able to take the plunge and have more than one partner…maybe partly due to always having had an issue with sharing (oldest child syndrome). But who’s to say that I won’t consider it in the future. Lack of sex, or sex with another, as said before – is a dominant reason for couples to get divorced. If I were married and looking to “spice things up”, would it be something that I would consider? I have to say that the more I look into it and think about it, I would have to say, yes.

N.B. There is actually a pretty interesting page on Wikipedia about all of this, but it gets far too academic for me to write about much of it without feeling like I am writing a University essay on here which is really not my style. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infidelity)

You Pretty Bitch

5 May

For those of you who don’t live in the UK or haven’t seen the news, word on the street is that we hate pretty people. According to Samantha Prick Brick, and her article “Why Do Women Hate Me For Being Beautiful”, she is SO stunning that other women hate her. When she declared this to the world in a newspaper article a few weeks back there was a huge backlash. People declaring that A) she was talking complete crap and B) that really she wasn’t as gorgeous as she was making out so that maybe she was possibly overexaggerating a tad. Her response I hear you ask? “Well this just proves my point”. Ohmigawd. Shut up.

The woman in question.

People hated what she was saying so much that there were mock Twitter accounts made in her name. There were Facebook groups and people editing the digital images of her that were available to make her look less than stunning.

The article that she wrote said that she had men pay for things for her on many occasions and that, because of this, the women in the small French village that she lives in won’t talk to her at social events. One step further than this – she actually claimed that they wouldn’t let their husbands talk to her, through the fear that she would steal them. Now. This woman is British, and she lives in a small French village somewhere in the South of  France. Chances are, they don’t dislike her for being good looking, it’s more likely that they don’t like her because she’s British. That, and that she is clearly delusional, self-centred, arrogant and frankly – a bit of a wanker.

We can no longer be friends.

First off – her argument is pretty childish. She stated her argument, people responded and she turns round and in a juvenile fashion just declares “well that’s the point I was trying to prove anyway! so nah nah nah nah naaah naaaah”. Secondly – look at her. Distinctly average. Thirdly – most girls and women have things bought for them by men at various points of her life. She talks about how men have bought her drinks and so forth…and? What’s your point? And lastly, and the main point that I will be focusing on – I have a LOT of pretty, gorgeous and stunning friends (and my sister). Some of my best friends are some of the most gorgeous people I know. Do I hate them for this? Asides from the occasional moment of jealously when I see them in a new dress, no. I accept that they are beautiful and get on with my life.

I think what annoyed people the most about her main thread of argument, was that she was saying that all women, hate other women who are good-looking. If I am being honest, I don’t know if that could be further from the truth. Psychologically we judge people very quickly. We do it when we go for job interviews, when we go on dates, and also when we make new friends. We are more likely to want to be friends with someone who is pleasing on the eye. It’s just science.

Also, I don’t know about you, but I can hand on heart tell you now, that I have NEVER. Never, ever, EVER, de-friended someone on the basis of them being too good-looking. I really don’t know where this woman is getting this from. We don’t live in 90210 or Gossip Girl or the O.C. Most of us don’t live in a picture-perfect world where we are all desperately trying to climb the social ladder of societal success, so bitchy “I’m not gunna be your friend, cos you’re hotter than me”, really doesn’t apply in the real world.

I reckon that in the case of this woman, she needs to crawl out of her arse and smell the coffee. As far as I can tell from her article and the t.v. interviews that she has done, she is an arrogant and very self-involved character. Maybe these women don’t like her because she is pretty. But what is more likely is that they don’t like her because she’s an ugly person on the inside. That’s going to make ANYONE unattractive.

To sum up, as one of my friends on Facebook said to me when I spoke about this: Some of the most beautiful people I know are the most loved.

So suck on THAT Brick.

Her article: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2124246/Samantha-Brick-downsides-looking-pretty-Why-women-hate-beautiful.html
Her t.v. interview done a few days later: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0_CG3rmRYs 

Once Upon A Time, Really Not So Long Ago…

18 Apr

As so often happens with me, I was inspired for this blog entry by a Channel 4 documentary. This time by a show titled “The Undateables”. If you haven’t seen it the concept was simple, film various people, from various places, with various disabilities, on their quest to find love. The result was a mini-series of dates that were heart warming, awkward, cringe-worthy and/or down right cute. Like most dates are really.

This wasn’t what caught my imagination though. Rather it was how some of these people were acting in anticipation of/during their dates. Someone I found particularly heart-warming was one guy who had down syndrome (Sam). This disability meant that while he was in his late 20s, during some of his day-to-day tasks he was acting similarly to how a child would act. Sometimes having fairly simple ways of looking at the world. The more I watched him, the more I found myself thinking – more of us should be just like him.

Now in case you didn’t know, the world is cynical. Chivalry is dead and the romance is gone. Apparently.

I don’t think that guys put the effort into romancing a woman like they used to even just a few generations ago. But then I don’t blame them. A lot of women (and men) that I know seem to cringe at the mention of a bold romantic gesture by a date or partner. I don’t know if people are willing to let their guards down like they were and allow themselves to be “woo-ed”.

However on this Channel 4 show, Sam was entering into the dating world for the very first time. He had never been on a date before or kissed a girl. What he knew about girls, relationships, sex, dating and so forth was from what he had heard from friends and family. He was naive and ignorant to what the world of dating had to offer, but I didn’t see this to be a bad thing.

He turned up for his first ever date (a blind date, set up through an agency who specialise in matching people with learning difficulties) in eager anticipation. He was nervous yet excited. He had spent a substantial length of time getting ready and preparing himself. As part of this preparation he had stopped off and bought his date (Joleene) a single red rose from a florists. I just about cried.

The date was at the zoo, there were laughs, giggles, chat and awkward silences, just like any other date. There was no hand holding or a kiss goodbye. Yet they arranged to see each other again. On date two Sam simply turns to Joleene and say, “I have a question for you. Will you be my girlfriend?” She says yes and they go for a walk holding hands.

It may seem to simple but it made me realise how this doesn’t really happen anymore. Sam is an adult, he was entering into adult territory. Yet in some respects he was still thinking how a child would. He wanted a girlfriend, so he was going to get a girlfriend. How do you get a girlfriend? You buy her flowers, make her laugh and hold her hand of course.

I think that not only should guys offer these gestures more often, (I mean really, how many times have you been on a first date only to be greeted by flowers???) but ALSO the cynicism needs to be toned down. Some guys are ACTUALLY just nice. Yeah, really. They may be buying you flowers or offering you compliments because they genuinely like you and want you to let them in. (I meant emotionally, but of course there are those who just want in your pants). Don’t be totally naive, but then also don’t be a bitch about it.

Plus I think I have only ever had one guy say the words, “will you be my girlfriend?” to me and I was only 17. It may sound lame, but who cares?! At least then, if you both like each other you know it. The amount of times that I have dated guys for weeks or months on end and not actually known what we were doing, I fail to count. Asking directly is shockingly simple but affective.

I reckon we would do ourselves the world of good if we sometimes thought a bit more like we did when we were kids. Maybe Disney princess stories had a point. Being cynical will get you nowhere. I am guilty of being far too cynical with men so my April 18th resolution is this: not to knock romantic gestures/lovely compliments from guys. Instead – think, “What would my 10-year-old self have done?”

Romance certainly shouldn’t be dead. Why shouldn’t it just be a case of, boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy buys girl flowers. Boy and girl kiss. Boy and girl live happily ever ever…for now.

Is There Any Such Thing As “Natural” Beauty?

8 Apr

The jury is out. In most magazines that you open up these days if there has often been a survey done on men regarding “who is hotter?”, the majority tend to go for the “more natural” look on women. Shows such as Snog, Marry, Avoid also advocate that less is best and that false eyelashes should be binned. Wrong.

I love wearing make-up. The main reason for this is that without it, I look ill. I live in Scotland, the sun rarely shows is face and most people who DO have that freshly sunned look either got it out of a bottle from Superdrug or from a booth in Tanz. This lack of sun means that naturally, unless I have just been on holiday, I am relatively pale. It’s unfortunate but there isn’t a lot I can do about it unless I do decide to opt for the blotchy-orange or leathery-skin look. No thanks on either counts.

I have a couple people in my life who tell me that I look good without make-up on. Of course one of these is my dad, who recently asked for at his 50th birthday meal if I could “not wear any make-up, you look better without any”. I can tell you now, there was no way I was going out without make-up on to his meal, especially as I was going to a party straight afterwards. My grandmother also holds the same view, but then again, she is my grandmother – it’s sort of a given. The other main person in my life who says that I don’t need it is a best friend of mine who doesn’t wear make-up herself. Good on her but that’s not for me. I think that ultimately it boils down to the fact that 1) I live in Scotland and 2) I don’t have bad skin but I do get blemishes and blotchyness so why would – when presented with the option of covering this up – I not take it?

To a girl, her choice of make-up is one that is very personal to her and I don’t think that guys really understand this at all.  I have often heard that “your hair is your best accessory”, but I reckon that make-up is just as good at expressing your own style. There is a lot of make-up out there to achieve all sorts of looks, and if I had the skills I would probably try and go out most nights looking something like this (minus the corn rows):

I have had some guys I have dated making make-up ‘requests’. Things such as, “you look better without fake eyelashes on” or “can you wear red lipstick tonight” and so forth. Sometimes these things are fine, but its when some people seem to be constantly saying things like, “don’t wear make-up, you don’t need it” that it starts to get annoying. I know that these people are trying to be nice but ultimately it’s just frustrating. Guys especially don’t seem to get that some girls simply don’t feel comfortable in a social situation such as a restaurant or bar WITHOUT make-up on. I know that I feel slightly naked, I would feel about as comfortable as if you had asked me to whap my top off. Similarly if I were in a club with no make-up on I would be nowhere as near as confident as I usually am. This may seem sad, but there will be a lot of girls out there who I’m sure would say the same.

Put plainly, asking a girl to change the make-up she wears is almost like asking an emo to wear a Mr Happy t-shirt, chinos and boat shoes – they won’t feel comfortable and more importantly, they won’t feel like themselves.

That’s one of the main reasons that I hate Snog, Marry, Avoid. Asides from the fact that often they end up making the girl looking dull and badly dressed, they are taking away what makes them, them. Okay, yes, they are very often far over the top. But they are usually young, they are finding themselves and its part and parcel of growing up. Putting them in kitten heels and dyeing their hair mousey brown is going to make them feel alienated from their former self. And in most cases frankly – make them look shit.

Coming back then to why it is that guys like the ‘natural’ look, or why they think that they do anyway. For one thing using common sense, girls who feel comfortable not wearing make-up on a regular basis are possibly more likely to be the ones who DO have good skin and feel themselves without it on. Also, those adverts where models advertise face washes etc and look natural…guesses as to how much make-up it took to achieve this “natural” look in the the first place? In movies when actresses are just getting out of bed looking all natural, again, they are made up to look like this.

There seems to be a very distorted view as to what “natural” actually looks like. Probably from both girls and guys. I sometimes have to remind myself when I see these adverts and actresses who have seemingly just sprung out of bed looking gorgeous that they are probably wearing more make up than I wear on a night out.

I think that because of this distortion, guys THINK that they would like their girlfriend or dates to opt for a more “natural” look by possibly wearing little or no make-up. But in reality I think many would re-think this when they realise that even the “natural” look takes time and effort. Take this woman for example, the right-hand side shows her with no make-up at all, the left is what many would deem to be looking “natural”.

Which woman would you rather be sat next to in a bar?

Make-up can do a lot of things. Enhance natural looks. Create a different look altogether. Make a person more confident. Make somebody feel like someone else. I don’t see the problem with this. Bottom line: it’s not hurting anyone so where is the issue?

Of course there are those who take it too far and should rein it in a bit…

I have to admit that when your face matches the flower in your hair, you have gone wrong somewhere.

The Dating Game

4 Apr

Two thoughts of mine recently collided. The first was that I have been dating and “seeing” various people at various points in time for a while now. The second is that, as I am mere weeks away from graduating (fuckshitballs), I have been applying for jobs and been to a couple interviews, assessment days etc. Now. Combine these two thoughts in the way that I did to come up with this – dating or finding a partner is not all that different than finding a job.

Prepare for the longest analogy possibly, ever…

Phase One: Applying for the Position

This can be done in a variety of ways. You can submit an application to show your interest in the job by either applying online or coming in and submitting a form in person.

Tactic’s to consider when applying:

  1. Fix up, look sharp – they want to see you at your best. Your best threads are to be expected at least during the application process in order to make the right impression. This can be relaxed if/when successful in attaining position
  2. Lie a little bit – over exaggerate your average qualities in order to achieve goal. No one wants to know if you came runner-up, or that you are sorta, average at something that you do. NO they also don’t want to know that you did Duke of Edinburgh (the prize, the slightly racist Greek man, or otherwise), however they will want to know that you went on a Bootcamp. Much more manly and character building. Saw Rihanna in a club on holiday OOOOOR…did you once party with Rihanna on holiday? You get the idea. (The truth can come out at a later date if need be.)

N.B. Try not to set yourself at such a high standard that if the job is offered, you are in fact unable to maintain any sort of standard at all. Be the best you that you can be…not the best you that you wish you were.

Phase Two: Telephone (and text) Interview

A small but crucial stage in the process. You want to sound keen but not desperate and interested but not creepy. Try to sound relaxed. Articulate, but don’t put on an over-the-top phone voice. Don’t talk without pausing, but also try not to allow for awkward silences. Answer the question but don’t ramble. Ultimately – leave them wanting more.

Phase Three: Invited to Interview

This stage is crucial, make or break situation. The average human being makes their mind up about someone within 6 seconds of meeting someone…ye I know…THAT long. So don’t fuck it up.

I think that on a first meeting with someone who you haven’t met before, if you are trying to make a good impression just be cool. Don’t try and be original by cracking some lame ass joke or making a crappy pun as soon as you open your mouth. Too much of a gamble. The stakes are high and it could all backfire in a monumental fashion.

Some general points to keep in mind:

  1. Don’t give one worded answers. This is painful for the interviewer.
  2. Similarly, no one wants a life story. If there is an anecdote to tell, do so but try to remember what it is your point of the story was. No one likes a story if the storyteller can’t remember where they were going with it.
  3. Be casual but not stupid. Obviously you want to try and feel relaxed by being yourself. But you also have to keep in mind that this person does not know you yet. Toilet humour jokes or if you have a type of humour that takes some getting used to is fine, but not on a first meeting – too risky.
  4. Try to avoid the topic of previous jobs. A new company doesn’t want to hear if you were crap at what you had been hired to do and thus why you had to/were asked to leave. Nor do they want to hear how awesome your last position was and how you miss it.

Phase Four: Invitation to the Assessment Day

Only if you have performed well during all of the previous stages will you be invited to witness the inner most workings and intimate details of the position applied for.

Don’t worry about it too much as this could in turn, make your performance on the day much worse. They are asking you to do things that you have done before so just chill.

Similarly however, remember that what you have been invited to do is only achieved by a select few so it is by no means a task to be taken too lightly. Perform well and this will only strengthen your chances ten fold.

Phase Five: The Final Decision 

If you do well in all of these areas then chances are you will be offered the position. However remember that there are other factors to be taken into consideration. You may be presented with a more attractive offer, a role with more pay for example. However there is no guarantee that in declining the first one, that you will be able to secure the second. Also remember that companies can be fickle, and that they too may decide that there was someone else better suited for the role advertised.

Longest innuendo-based analogy that I have ever written… Anyway. I think that you get the jist. During the recession there have been more cases for divorce, applying this same logic there have probably been more break-ups outside of marriage too. Finding a job right now is certainly a tough and lengthy process but the dating world may, in fact, be just as bad.